


Don't Remember Why

by VirtuousNightmares



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, Attempted Murder, Brain Injury, Brain Trauma, Flashbacks, Head Injury, Head trauma, Hospital, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Memory Loss, Mentions of Possible School Shootings, Therapy, attempted suicide, mental hopsital, mentions of guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 19:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10646295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VirtuousNightmares/pseuds/VirtuousNightmares
Summary: A couple years after he left, Justin drives for a couple days in a random direction, ending up in the last place he wanted to be.





	Don't Remember Why

Rain started to pour down, covering the earth with dark clouds. Looking up at the building, Justin shoved his hands into his pants pockets and clenched his jaw, refusing to cry then and there. He lost everyone and he felt like he was suffering the most out of all of them. Well, he was _one_ of the people who was suffering the most. Though, it sure felt like he was the only one. Justin blinked and sighed when the first bell rang, watching as students scrambled to quickly get to their classes. One of the students accidentally bumped into him and dropped all of his books as books and papers scattered all over the wet floor. “Ah, shit! I'm so sorry.” The student said and immediately dropped to his knees, gathering all of his supplies hastily.

Justin crouched and picked up two of the books, handing them to the kid. “Here. Take it easy, the school doesn't check for attendance on the last day of school.”

“How do you know?” The student asked in confusion and instinctively took a step back.

“I attended here a couple of years ago,” Justin answered and bit the inside of his cheek, noticing how the student appeared afraid of him. He hated how he was always getting those looks now.

The student nodded and stammered, “Uh… well, um I should uh… get to class.” The student said and walked away as Justin watched the kid walk away and sighed. He ran a hand through his hair and turned, leaving the school behind him.

Justin was never trusted to drive especially with his habits of drinking and getting high, but in the past couple of years, he hadn't drunk a single drop or even looked at weed because of his promise. Once he felt that he was ready, he got a car. Well, someone _gave_ him a car and he accepted it without question. It was a pretty new car too and it worked well. No problems yet. Besides gas of course, but it was easy to earn some cash, Justin realized. Unfortunately, certain events strayed Justin away from the wheel because he felt like it could happen again.

_”Wanna go for a ride real quick?”_

_”No.”_

_”We think you do.”_

_”What the hell, man? What are you doing?”_

_”Get in the car.”_

_”Come on, I'll take you home.”_

_”Why are you doing this?”_

_”What else am I gonna do?”_

_”You know, you really gotta stop fucking with people, Clay.”_

_“Just slow down! Ye--okay, I will, I’ll stop, just slow down! Alex, slow down! I'll stop!”_

Justin screwed his eyes shut at the memory and ran a hand through his hair. Alex looked like he was focused on something and Justin couldn't tell what it was. Was he trying to kill them? Shaking his head, Justin looked up when a car screeched to a stop next to him and he looked at the driver with a frown. The driver honked at him angrily, “Get the fuck off the road!”

_“The fuck is your problem?”_

_“Dude, Alex, chill. It’s all good.”_

_“Oh, it’s all good? You think you could just run people over like everyone else at the fucking school?”_

_“You’re tripping man.”_

_“Okay… Get out of the car… GET OUT OF THE CAR! I’m gonna kick your fucking ass, get out! Get out!”_

Another loud honk forced Justin back to reality and he walked away. Justin drew in a shaky breath and refused to think about what came after that outburst. He couldn't understand why Alex was so angry at them for driving like that. Alex _knew_ he couldn't take on Montgomery, so why did he even dare rile him up? He entered his car and drove away from Liberty High, taking his time to go to the next location.

Justin glanced at the radio and shook his head. After listening to those tapes, he couldn't bring himself to listen to anything associated with a tape. Most of the times while he was driving, Justin would just sit in silence and reminisce which was more dangerous and heart wrenching than listening to the radio. He would sit there and remember what he'd done to everyone important to him. He thought running away to a new city would stop the nightmares, but it never worked. It always came back to haunt him and sometimes he'd never get to sleep for days at a time. He hated it. But he didn't even attempt to stop it.

It was still raining. He slowed down at a red light and rolled down his window for some fresh air as a conversation across the street caught his attention. “You’re pretty cool.” One of the people said and patted the other on the back.

_”Alex Standall, are you sure you're the new kid? Because it looks like you've been doing this all your life.”_

_”Yeah right…”_

_”I'm being serious, man. You're pretty cool.”_

_”You should come hang out with us sometime.”_

_”Yeah, why don't you come with us to Bryce’s?”_

_”Uh, I got a thing with my other friends. They're kinda expecting me.”_

_”Really? You're hanging out with Hannah Baker?”_

_”Dude, she's bad news.”_

Justin shook his head and drove off when the light turned green, making a left and quickly parking at Monet’s. He shut off the engine and rubbed at his eyes. He wasn't sure why he was doing this to himself, but he had to find out what happened. When he heard about Alex’s… “Dammit…” Justin murmured and sat back in his seat, staring up at the seat of his car and focusing on his breathing. He's not even halfway there. He can't have a panic attack now. There was a knock on his car and he opened his eyes--when did he even close them?--looking up at the one and only Clay Jensen who pursed his lips. “What do you want, Jensen?”

Clay shrugged, “Nothing really, but I realized you were sitting in your car for ten minutes and didn't even bother to come in. So uh, wanna come in?”

Justin opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off, but he stopped himself and sighed. He had to talk to Clay at some point anyway. He nodded, “Yeah, I'll go.” Justin pulled his keys out of the ignition and opened the door as Clay took a step back from the car.

“Nice car,” Clay commented with a smile as Justin frowned and furrowed his eyebrows.

“Thanks…” He said, almost as if he wasn't sure Clay meant it.

“So what kind of coffee do you want?” Clay asked and walked for the door as Justin locked his car and followed after him.

“Why?”

Clay opened the door and pointed at his clothing, more specifically the name tag which read Clay’s name clear as day. “I work here,” Clay said simply. “But I guess you wouldn't know that considering you disappeared two years ago. Almost three now?”

“Yeah…” Justin acknowledged and walked inside as Clay followed him. Justin walked up to the counter as Clay got on the other side and went to pick up the coffee beans, but Justin’s voice stopped him. “Actually… uh…” Justin averted his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. “I prefer tea over coffee.”

Clay’s eyebrows raised in surprise and he nodded in acknowledgment, putting down the jar of coffee beans and reaching for the assorted tea packs. “What kind?” Clay asked and placed the box in front of Justin who looked down at the selection. “And uh, it's okay if you don't like any of these.” Clay said quickly, “We have other stuff, it's just usually people get coffee here.”

Justin nodded and looked up at Clay, “Passion Tea Lemonade. If you have that,” Justin added quickly and reached for his wallet.

Clay shook his head, “On the house, don't worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” Justin asked.

Clay nodded and pursed his lips, “The fact that you even had to ask makes me even more sure.” Clay walked off and disappeared into the back as Justin released a breath he didn't know he was holding and took in his surroundings. There wasn't anyone who he recognized and he wasn't sure if he should be thankful or not for that. He guessed that it depended on who he saw. “Yes, I know I'm on break, but an old friend of mine just showed up, I'm making him a drink and catching up with him!” Clay said while walking back to where Justin was.

Justin looked over at the doorway leading to the back and raised a brow, “So uh, who was that?”

“Manager, he doesn't like it when we overwork,” Clay said while making Justin’s drink.

“That's… odd.” Justin said on impulse.

Clay nodded in agreement, “Yeah, but after finding out about Skye, our manager makes sure that we’re not stressed and all that crap.”

“You have… someone looking after you?” Justin asked curiously as Clay mixed the tea.

“Well yeah, but it's… refreshing to know that someone’s looking after you.” Clay said and spilled the mixture into one of their signature cups, sliding it over to Justin. “Passion Tea Lemonade. Go sit, I'll be there in a bit.” Clay said and turned without waiting for a response.

Justin picked up the drink and turned around, surveying the area and finding it relatively empty. However, one spot caught Justin’s attention and he started walking over immediately. When he approached the table, it looked the same it always did. Not much changed anyway. Justin looked behind him and stared at the painting that hung there. That same fucking painting. _Man squid, fucking idiot…_ Justin thought.

“Y’know, I never knew why they put that up. The other one was better.” Justin nearly jumped at the sudden appearance of Clay and controlled his breathing.

“Jesus Clay, how long have you been standing there?” Justin asked. Though, he wasn't really looking for an answer.

“You've been staring at that painting for two minutes.” Clay said and went to sit at the table as Justin turned back to look at the painting. Although, it was different. The painting was completely different as Justin seemed to stare at it more. Was he just seeing things? Clay cleared his throat, “Justin, it's been nearly three years, I think you should sit down.” His voice sounded more serious now.

Justin ripped his eyes away from the painting and put his drink down, sitting across from Clay who was highly invested in watching him with worry etched into his features. “What?” Justin asked stupidly.

“A lot’s changed. Why are you here?” Clay asked calmly. If it wasn't Clay Jensen, Justin would've thought that he wasn't welcome back to this town, but since it was Clay he could tell that he just wanted to know why he even came back. Clay wasn't like the others. He was nicer. Kinder.

Justin shrugged, “I just went driving one day and ended up here.”

“You're not here to bring it back, are you?” Clay asked. Again, if it wasn't Clay, Justin would've thought that he was accusing him of something.

Justin shook his head, “I just want to know how everyone is.” And he wasn't lying. “Give me an update, then I'll leave. Easy as that.” Justin said and picked up his tea, drinking it.

Clay sat back and sighed, “Well, everyone’s about to start their second year of college in a couple of months, depending on where they went. Nothing too surprising.” Clay paused and fiddled with his cup, staring at it like it was some piece of jewelry. Then he looked at Justin and leaned forward, lowering his voice. “The lawsuit ended. Bryce is in jail. Everyone who was on the tapes spent about a year or two--depending on who you are and what you did--with a therapist and helped out the Bakers whenever possible. Everyone’s still helping them. Some people reluctantly, but yea.” His voice cracked at the end and he cleared his throat.

“How's everyone individually?” Justin asked after a while.

Sighing, Clay shook his head, “You should've been here, Justin.”

“Why?”

Clay shook his head again and sat back, “Zach went to a college out of state but came back for the summer to help out the Bakers and whatever’s needed in the community. He ignored his scholarships for basketball and followed his dream to be a marine biologist which his parents weren't really fond of, but they're okay with it now. Marcus decided to go to a local community college so he could spend more time with his girlfriend who is one lucky girl--”

“He changed?” Justin interrupted as Clay nodded.

“Yeah, for the better. He uh he's having trouble with his family though. They don't like the fact that he's one of the reasons. Ryan goes to one of the UCs nearby--I forgot which one--and makes a magazine there too. Though, this time it's less about people’s personal life and more about interesting stories that people want to hear. All of the money he gets from it goes to the Bakers which is his contribution to them. Tyler… is a different story.”

Justin sat up in anticipation and furrowed his brows, “What do you mean? What'd he do?”

Clay sighed and looked around casually before meeting Justin’s intense gaze. “He…” Clay took a deep breath, “He was um planning to uh… shoot up the school.”

“Planning to?” Justin questioned. “That means he didn't get to, right?”

Clay nodded and took a sip of his Triple Americano, “Remember those therapists we all got? Well, Tyler hinted at it and his therapist reported it immediately. He's still seeing his therapist, but… he's in jail.”

“How long?”

“Considering he was a minor when he was reported, he went to juvenile hall at first and they sentenced him to three years when he turned eighteen.”

“Three?”

“Yeah… but he's taking those three years in the local mental hospital. He always called it his jail.” Clay said and looked down at his cup.

“Jesus…” Justin muttered under his breath and took a minute to digest all of this information. He wasn't expecting this. Actually, he didn't know _what_ he was expecting, but what would've happened if Justin had stayed? Would everything change? Would they all be dead? Justin shook his head. Clay hadn't told him about everyone else yet.

Clay sighed and studied Justin carefully, “Courtney moved away. No one knows where the hell she went not even her parents know, but she does send letters and stuff back here. She never puts a return address on it. I don't know if she ever felt guilty, but I know that she ran away from it all. Couldn't blame her though, you did too.” Justin’s expression saddened and he looked away, taking a big gulp of his tea. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.”

Justin shook his head, “No, you're right… You're absolutely right.”

Shaking his head, Clay decided to move on before he said something else wrong, “Mr. Porter decided to go back to college and take a bunch of psych classes and other stuff. Anything that had to do with helping and understanding people, he took it and studied his ass off. Finished all of his studies in two years which is pretty impressive. He went back to Liberty and I believe he's going to be the principal this upcoming year. Sheri is the one most involved with helping the Bakers and making sure they're always on their feet. She goes to a local community college--the same one Marcus goes to--and the moment she's finished with homework, she goes to the Baker’s house or their store and helps out. To be honest, she's the one who got everyone else to confess about what they did. Jess--”

“How are you doing, Clay?” Justin asked quickly. For some reason, he was afraid to hear about what happened to Alex and Jessica and he couldn't understand why he felt so desperate to know but didn't want to know at the same time.

Clay blinked at him and stammered, “Me? Um uh, well… I'm good. Nothing special.”

Justin shook his head, “I know that's bullshit. College?”

“Um uh yeah, college. Same community college as Marcus and Sheri because I'd rather stay for a while. I can't say bye to this town yet.” Clay explained and looked around with a small smile, fascination etched into his face. “It’s special.”

Justin nodded, “So is everyone in town somewhere other than Courtney?” Clay seemed to pause at that and picked up his Triple Americano, gulping half of it down as Justin became increasingly worried the longer the silence between them stretched out. Putting the cup down, Clay closed his eyes and sighed, fiddling with his cup again. “Listen, you don't have to--”

“You're indirectly talking about Jessica,” Clay said with a frown, opening his eyes and shifting his gaze to Justin who kept his mouth shut. “She moved at the end of Junior year. Her parents forced her to and she sends cards to the Bakers, but the Bakers say that she doesn't want us to know where she is and what she's doing. She cut the rest of us off and we don't really know why.” Justin closed his eyes and dropped his head, tightening his grip on his cup of tea and biting the inside of his cheek. “Sorry, I know it's hard to have to hear this all at once, but you needed to know. That's why you came, right?”

Opening his eyes, Justin kept his eyes on his cup as the ice cubes clinked together, “What about Alex? How's he?”

Clay shifted uncomfortably in his seat and bit his lip, shaking his head and sighing through his nose. “Are you free at four?”

Justin met his gaze almost instantly, “Why?”

“I need to show you something.”

“He's not… dead, is he?” Justin asked and sucked in a breath. No, he couldn't be dead.

Clay studied Justin carefully and his expression didn't change. It kept its worried look and Justin had to look away. It couldn't be true. “It depends on how you define dead.”

|~@~|

Listening closely to Clay’s directions, Justin felt like they turned every corner in the town before arriving at their destination: Mercy Hospital. Justin felt his stomach drop at the sight of it and switched off his car, turning to Clay. “What are we doing here?”

Clay shook his head, “It's better to show you.” He stepped out of the car and shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket as Justin watched him before cursing under his breath and following after him. They walked through the front doors and Justin immediately felt the impact of bleach and overused fragrant smells. Would it hurt if they put candles instead of fucking Febreezing the entire fucking building? Clay walked up to the counter as the lady’s expression immediately became soft.

“Clay,” she said sweetly.

“Hey, um… Could we go up to visit him?” Clay asked.

She nodded, “Of course.” She looked behind Clay and smiled sympathetically at Justin who waved sheepishly. “Another friend?”

Nodding, Clay gestured to Justin, “Justin, this is Rosemary, she's Alex’s personal assistant. Rosemary, this is Justin, he's a friend of Alex’s.” Rosemary held her hand out to Justin who shook hers and gave her a small smile. “Speaking of which, why are you down here?”

“I had to check on some things down here. I was just about to head up.” She pointed at Justin suddenly, “Does he…?” She left the question open as Clay shook his head and she nodded in response. “Well, follow me.” She motioned for them to follow her and she led them to the elevator. Once they all got in, she pressed the thirteenth floor as Justin turned to Clay with a look of _please fucking tell me you saw that too._ Clay only nodded as Justin averted his gaze and sucked in a breath, coughing a bit when he did it too quickly. “Are you okay?” Rosemary asked worriedly.

Justin nodded and cleared his throat, “Yeah, I'm fine.” They stayed silent the rest of the way up. The elevator dinged happily and the doors opened as Rosemary walked out and the two followed silently. Curious, Justin examined the place and attempted to find out what floor they were on. From the looks of it, it wasn't the Psychiatric Ward which was good. He hoped it was good. But he was alive. Alex was alive and Justin was so fucking thankful.

“Now Justin,” Rosemary began suddenly which caused Justin to look up at her. Her heels clicked against the floor ominously and Justin winced every time one of the clicks was too loud. Rosemary sighed, “I have to warn you. This… might not be the Alex you used to know. They're sure that he probably won't recover from this.” She said, causing Justin to freeze and stop walking as Clay stopped and looked back at him worriedly. Rosemary stopped and sighed, turning around to face Justin. “I understand that this may be hard for you, but it had to be said now.” Justin’s eyes widened and slowly looked up to meet Rosemary’s soft eyes. “I told Clay that if he brings anyone that he should explain this to them, but considering he hasn't explained says a lot.” Justin’s eyes flicked to Clay who wasn't looking at him anymore. Justin looked back at Rosemary who sighed, “How close were you to Alex Standall?”

Justin could nearly laugh at the question, but he couldn't. None of this was funny. He wasn't close to Alex at all. Not until Alex offered him a place to stay all those years ago. They'd talked and gotten to know each other, but then shit hit the fan even more than it already had and Justin had to leave. Three days after he left town, he got one text from Zach that said that Alex had shot himself and Justin felt like his entire life had been ruined the moment he read that. He lost everyone close to him. He kept his promise to Alex, though. He always intended to and he had. He still is! They were close, but not enough. “I knew him well enough.”

Rosemary nodded, “I figure that's the best answer I'll get. Justin, what do you know about brain trauma?”

Justin shrugged, “Not much, really.”

“What do you know about the night Alex shot himself?” Rosemary asked softly as Justin screwed his eyes shut and his hands covered his ears.

He took a couple of deep breaths and removed his hands from his ears, pulling his long sleeves over his hands and taking a couple of steps back. “Sorry, I uh… I gotta go.”

“Justin--” She called.

He shook his head and turned around, starting to walk away. “Tell him, I’m sorry.”

“Or you could… tell him yourself.”

Justin froze. That voice. There was no fucking way. He turned around and there he fucking was. Alex fucking Standall, alive.

Rosemary and Clay turned to see Alex as Rosemary frowned, “Alex, you're supposed to be--”

“In the soft thing, you call a… um, a…” Alex started to say but trailed off and his hand went to his head attempting to massage it carefully.

“A bed.” Clay offered casually as Alex nodded.

“Yeah, that… that thing.” Alex replied and closed his eyes, sucking in a breath. Opening his eyes, Alex looked at Clay, “You're uh… you're back. You're the kid that… ah shit…” Why was he talking so slowly?

Clay slowly walked toward Alex and stopped a couple of feet in front of him, “I'm the one who comes every day.”

“Right right, and uh… your name… your name is um…”

“Clay.”

“Right… Clay…” Alex appeared to have difficulty just remembering things and Justin wasn't sure if he should be thankful or not that Alex doesn't remember him. It surely made it easier for Alex to forget him, but it made it harder for Justin to forget. Taking a deep breath, Justin turned on his heel and walked away silently. However, someone wasn't about to let him leave so easily apparently. “Justin…” The brunette froze once again, but he wasn't sure if it was a trick of his ears or not so he waited. For some reason, he hoped Alex would remember him. “Just… in. Huh, weird name. What are you in, Just?” That fucking asshole. Even with amnesia, Alex could say the stupidest things that would make Justin smile. Justin was supposed to smile, but he couldn't. He couldn't even _look_ at Alex. “That… is your um…”

“Name,” Clay offered.

“Right…” Alex said dully. Why did he sound like he was bored of everything? “That is… your name… Justin. Right?”

Justin inhaled deeply, “Yeah, it is.”

“So uh… why do you… want to say…” Alex trailed off.

“Sorry,” Rosemary filled in.

Alex nodded, “Yeah… that.” He sounded drunk off his ass, but it wasn't because of alcohol that he sounded like that.

Justin didn't know when he started to, but he was crying and he couldn't stop. His shoulders shook and his hand covered his mouth to stop the sobs. Why was he crying? He couldn't turn around to face them, not like this. He was a mess. Why the _fuck_ was he crying?

“Justin,” Clay called and took a couple of steps closer to him, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder, but Justin shoved him away and shook his head.

“Just… Just leave me alone.” Justin walked away from them because he couldn't face his fears. There's no way he could _ever_ do this.

“Fo…ley…?”

This fucking kid would not _stop_. Justin thought, but he paused anyway because how the _fuck_ did Alex remember that?

“You're that… Justin, right? Justin… Foley…” Alex asked innocently as Clay looked at Alex with wide eyes.

“How…?” Clay asked and continued, “How do you remember him?”

“Promised… me he'd stop… being… an idiot…” Alex explained slowly and took a deep breath.

“How do you remember that?” Justin asked before Clay could question him further. He still didn't have the heart to turn around.

“I may have… head um… thingy… my head things.. problem with… head…” Alex was trying to find a word and Justin would've laughed in a normal situation. Now was not a normal situation.

“Head trauma,” Rosemary said.

“Right… that…” Alex took a deep breath.

“Alex, I think you need to sit down, you're going to pass out,” Rosemary advised, but Alex just raised his hand telling her to stop.

“I remember the… promise. Though, I guess… I'm the… idiot.” Alex admitted.

Widening his eyes, Justin finally turned around and looked at Alex. He was a mess. The blonde in his hair was nearly gone. His hair itself was short just like he remembered it and it stuck up in various directions it was nearly comical. His eyelids were about to slip closed. His simple white t-shirt and sweats were disheveled. The hospital band around his wrist was wrinkly and showed signs of multiple attempts of pulling it off. He looked exhausted. Justin guessed it was hard trying to remember everything in the twenty or so years he'd lived if he was in Alex’s position. “You're not an idiot.”

“Easy… for you… to say… You just… left.” Alex said.

“How do you remember these things?” Justin asked.

Alex shrugged or attempted to, “Just do… Brain said… it was more… important.”

“What the hell does that even mean?”

Alex attempted to shrug again, “Dunno… Why? Am I not… supposed to… remember you? Were you… the cause of… this?” Alex slowly raised his arm and weakly pointed at the scar on the side of his head. Before Justin could respond, Alex began to stumble and was caught by Rosemary who watched him worriedly.

“We should get you to bed,” Rosemary said.

“No!” Alex said harshly and everyone froze.

“Alex…” Rosemary mumbled as Alex weakly pushed her away and she released him reluctantly.

“I need to know… Did I… do this because… of--”

“No,” Justin said firmly. “I don't know why you did it, but it doesn't matter anymore. You're alive.”

Alex chuckled and smiled, “Yeah… I am. Fucked up… my own brain… though. Hey, Rosey…?” Alex turned to look at her, “Can he… stay the night? He… looks like… he needs a place… to stay.”

“Sure,” Rosemary said, almost reluctantly.

“Good…” Alex said with as wide a smile as he could muster which didn't look like more than a smirk.

“I can't--” Justin began.

“Shut up, Foley.” Alex interrupted and attempted to stand and walk on his own to his room, but stumbled and was quickly caught by Rosemary. “Come on…” Alex weakly motioned for Justin to follow. “Other guy can… come too.” So they all walked to Alex’s room and learned how far Alex was in remembering everything. He seemed to remember Justin and Jessica pretty easily, his family was even easier to remember, but the rest he was still attempting to even get their names correctly.

It was fine. Everything seemed to work out. Justin stayed there to help Alex and even decided to stay in the town until Alex recovered. Throughout the first month Justin was back, everyone--who was able to--came to say hi to both of them. Hell, even Courtney and Jessica came who both had changed a lot since Justin had last seen them. Alex took baby steps every day and eventually he could speak without having second long pauses between his words and sentences. Around the same time, he remembered everyone’s names and basic math was starting to become a no-brainer. That took a few years or so and soon enough people were starting to graduate college. Even Justin who had studied his ass off to help other people who were in Brain Injury Rehabilitation.

“You're doing it again,” Alex said one day in his bed as Justin blinked stupidly at him from his chair next to Alex.

“Doing what?” Justin asked in confusion. Had he done something wrong?

“You're staring at me,” Alex said simply.

“Am I not allowed to?”

Alex chuckled, “It’s rude to stare, Foley. At least buy me dinner first.” He replied and moved his arms behind his head, closing his eyes with a smile.

Justin bit the inside of his cheek and sighed, “What if I did?”

Opening his eyes almost instantly, Alex looked at Justin, “Excuse me?”

“What if I bought you dinner?” Justin reiterated as Alex stared at him in disbelief. Justin averted his gaze, “You don't have to say yes.”

Alex started to chuckle, but then it turned into full-blown laughter like someone was tickling him. Alex wiped away invisible tears and sat up, turning his body to Justin and crossing his legs. “I'll gladly go on a date with you, Justin.”

Justin felt his face become extremely hot and stammered, “I didn't--that's not what I--ugh…” Justin face palmed as Alex continued to laugh. That fucking laugh.

Eventually, Alex calmed down enough to look at Justin and reached a hand out to place it on his shoulder. Reluctantly, Justin looked up at him and saw how warm those blue eyes were. “Hey, don't worry about it, Justin. I'm only joking. You know that, right?”

“Yeah…”

“You don't sound very sure.”

“Yes, I know, Alex,” Justin said and stood up, going over to the ice water pitcher and pouring himself a glass.

Alex watched Justin carefully, “I didn't hurt you, did I?”

“No, Alex--”

“I'm sorry,” Alex said quickly and stood.

“Whoa, Alex!” Before taking a drink, Justin hastily put the glass down and hurried over to Alex who was stumbling. Justin caught him and helped him stand, “You're not physically able to walk around by yourself, yet.”

“I'm still getting used to… this.” Alex gestured at nothing in particular, but Justin knew what he was referring to.

“Alex, it's fine,” Justin said.

Alex shook his head, “Emotions aren't my strong suit, Justin, even before.”

Justin frowned, “Alex--”

“I remember. I remember why.” He said as Justin guided Alex to the bed and let him sit on the edge of it. “I remember all of it.”

“You're exhausted, we can't talk about this right now.” Justin reasoned, but Alex wasn't going to let him leave this alone.

“I remember her. I remember what happened. What I did. What we _all_ did. Why'd you all hide it from me?”

“Because you're fragile right now! Anything could happen to you! Hell, you could have a heart attack here and now and I wouldn't be able to do shit!” Justin snapped.

“That doesn't give you the right to--”

“You tried to _kill_ yourself, Alex! Why would we want you to remember why? What? Just so you could do it again? No! Fuck that! I'm not losing someone else I care about.” Justin was huffing by the end of that and was close to tears and he could tell that Alex was too. He refused to look at Alex. He feared what he would see in those blue eyes. “Especially you…” Justin said suddenly and continued, “I don't know what I'd do… without you.”

There was silence for a few minutes before Alex cleared his throat and said, “You've lived long enough without me and you've survived.”

“That's not the point and you know it.”

“Then tell me,” Alex said forcefully. “Tell me what the fuck you're trying to say. You've lived--what?--twenty five _fucking_ years without my fucking help, without me being there and you're fine. What difference is my life making in yours? ‘Cause all I did was cause problems. She's dead and I know it's been fucking years, but I killed her. _We_ killed her. What am I even here for? Why are _you_ here? Huh? Tell me, Justin!”

Justin whipped around and nearly glared at Alex, “Because I love you!” Justin continued, “And I care about you and you fucking make me smile and I'm so fucking happy because you're _alive_. I thought you died, Alex. I couldn't come back because I didn't want to visit you at your grave. I didn't want to find out that my only possible friend gave his own life because of me. I didn't want to face the truth, Alex, and I still can't. You almost died…” He felt a single tear roll down his face, but nothing else did. Just that one.

Looking away, Alex sighed through his nose, “I didn't shoot myself.” Justin’s face immediately fell and he opened his mouth multiple times to say something. Fucking _anything,_ but he couldn't bring himself to. “I'm not sure you remember, but I made a promise to you too.”

Finally, he found his voice, “What?”

“It was Tyler,” Alex explained simply. “He's the one that shot me.”

“What did you promise me, Alex?”

“Justin--” Alex began, but Justin interrupted him.

“Alex, please, I need to know.” Justin practically begged as Alex looked at him with a sad frown.

_It was the third day Justin had come over practically pleading for a place to stay and Alex just didn't have the heart to say no. Alex fed him and gave him a place to sleep and rest before the next day. Just yesterday, Alex had made Justin promise to stop being an idiot and Alex knew it was his turn to make a promise to Justin. The blonde was pretty sure that the brunette had fallen asleep, but Alex couldn't fall asleep for some reason. Sitting up on his bed, Alex looked over at the sleeping lump on the floor next to his bed where Justin was sleeping. Justin had preferred to sleep on the floor because he would feel bad if he took Alex’s bed and Alex was never able to convince him. “Justin?” Alex whispered as the lump shifted._

_“Yeah?” Guess he wasn't asleep after all._

_Alex shook his head, “Never mind, go back to sleep.”_

_“Wasn't asleep anyway.” The lump moved again as Justin sat up and looked over at Alex. Or tried to rather. It was basically pitch black in Alex’s room save for the light peeking through the blinds of the window. “What's up man?”_

_Alex shook his head again, “It's nothing. Nothing important anyway.” Alex laid down again and pulled the blanket over himself more, closing his eyes. His face still hurt from that fight with Montgomery._

_There was a rustle of sheets then his bed dipped as new weight was put onto it. “If you want me to leave--” Justin started, but Alex quickly sat up and shut down the thought._

_“No Justin, that's not…!” But Alex trailed off and sighed. “If you need a place, I'll gladly give you one. Always. It's just… I don't know man…”_

_Silence overtook them for a while. “Can you promise me something, Alex?” Justin asked._

_“Depends on what it is,” Alex replied._

_“Promise me, you won't leave me like the others did. That you won't leave me on the streets because of my stupid ass decisions. Promise me you'll hear my story before you kick me out forever.”_

“You probably thought nothing of it, but I _did_ promise you and I kept it. I planned to keep it until you left and I thought since you broke your promise, it was okay to break mine. I stumbled upon one of Tyler’s deals with some shady guy and he gave Tyler a gun. I ran before either of them could catch me, but… the next fucking day I went up to him and told him what I saw. He told me to keep my mouth shut or else he'd kill me, but I said I'd report him. Later on that same day, he attempted to kill me at home and here I am today with two fucking scars and brain problems.” Alex took a second to take a deep breath before continuing, “I'm not sure if I approached him because I'd hoped he _would_ kill me or because I know what he'd do with it.”

Justin closed his eyes and sighed, rubbing at his eyes and hoping he wouldn't cry. He planned on saying something, but words escaped him.

“However… I'm glad I didn't die because I'd never get these moments. I would never have gone through the phase of remembering my shitty life with you by my side. I would never have realized that I had made such a big mistake.” Alex said quietly.

“Please don't talk that way,” Justin requested quietly and sat in the chair. “Your life’s not shitty.”

Alex chuckled, “Yea? I'll believe it when I see it.” Alex said simply as if that was reason enough. They fell into an uneasy silence as they both stared at nothing in particular. After a while, Alex spoke up quietly and looked at Justin, “Do you really?” Justin spared a glance at the other and frowned. “Do you really love me and care about me?”

Justin took this time to look at Alex and closed his eyes before sighing, “If that's what this feeling is every time I get the chance to see you, then yes, I love you, Alex fucking Standall.”

“Again, buy me dinner first,” Alex said with a small smile.

“Fuck you,” Justin said, attempting to hide his own smile.

“That's gay, Foley.”

“Oh my god, shut up, Standall!”

Alex laughed and smiled warmly at Justin. After a while, he said, “Love you too, Justin.” Justin blinked at Alex in surprise and his eyes widened comically. Nonetheless, he smiled and nodded.

Maybe life wasn't shitty after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a totally different ending that is completely different from this one, so if you guys would like to see it just comment. By the way, it's a short and sad alternate ending.
> 
> ;


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